2021

This blog was created when I was 17 and and it has recorded countless memories, be it sorrow or joy.

Years of growth recorded through writings, where emotions were the most raw, genuine and vulnerable, and not a single day of regret come to me for being as frank as I have ever been here. In fact, it's my proudest credo.

Can't believe how much I've grown into the person that I am today, passing through lives, having people walking in and out of my episodes; contributing to the woman that I am. 

I used to be very immature, where I only saw my surroundings based on on my personal p.o.v. and was too quick to judge others, which consequently blinded my perceptions. It took a whole bunch of people and personal reflections for me to come into realization and be aware of my misguided belief. Of course, having written pieces for you to reread your thoughts and reflect on your behaviours only made you grow more. And for that, I’m glad that I kept them here, where I can personally witness my growth.

What adulthood has taught me (well, so far) is how to erase certain types of mentality and embrace whatever outlandish quirks that people possess. Acceptance and adaptability go hand in hand; not severely dichotomising towards extremity. You learn to accept people for who they are and you learn how to adapt. Not bending them to your ruler (although in term of educating the young feeble minds, this trait becomes necessary hehe)

Urbanisation has brought harm to society.

Written by: Nurul Huda Binti Mohd Na’im (603 2020)

Urbanisation has brought harm to society. Do you agree?

                Urbanisation has brought  the biggest changes in development of countries. It occurs when more and more people migrate to the urban areas in hope for a better life yet it is not always sunshine and rainbows as this condition brings harm to both the country and society. The cities might be congested, the crime rates will definitley skyrocket, pollutions might increase and many more banes will entail which prove the drawbacks of urbanisation. Many people also suffer because of these changes. Thus, I strongly agree that urbanisation has brought harm to society. This is because urbanisation leads to an increase in serious health risks among citizens.

                First and foremost, urbanisation has brought harm to society because it leads to an increment of serious health risks among citizens. People’s health conditions are severely affected when urbanisation occurs in their areas. This is because urbanisation causes air pollution, which comes from vehicles and other types of transportation. When the country has developed because of urbanisation, there will be an increment of vehicles as people become busier and have to use many kinds of transports to move from one point to another, like commuting from their houses to the workplaces or other facilities and public centres. This is not good for the environment and exposes health risks towards people because carbon emissions from vehicles containing harmful gases will affect people’s health. For example, congestion of cars on the road will produce more gases such as carbon monoxide and other dangerous gases. This will reduce the quantity of oxygen in the atmosphere which eventually will lead to the detrimental effects such as breathing difficulties, heart attack and lung cancer;- an atrocity that manifests the brutality that comes with urbanisation, a price that has to be paid by the citizens. In addition, water pollution is also one of the effects from urbanisation. Water pollution comes from heavy constructions that are executed because of the urbanisation process. To illustrate further, the construction of skyscrapers or shopping malls lead to soil degradation that will produce excess sediments. The excess sediments will flow into the river and it will reduce water quality. Hence, it will affect clean water that is supplied to the houses that people use for domestic purposes like cleaning or washing, and for them to consume daily, especially for drinking and cooking. When people get the poor quality of water to drink, they will be exposed to the risk of varied health problems such as cholera, giardia and typhoid. Therefore, it is crystal clear that urbanisation has brought harm to society as it causes an increment in serious health problems among citizens.

                In conclusion, urbanisation has brought more harms than benefits to the society as people are exposed to health problems, signifying that people get many bad effects from urbanisation. However, this bad experience will not be faced by the citizens if the primary way is taken by the government to minimize the problems caused by urbanisation. Government has to plan very well before deciding to develop certain places or the whole country without putting more pressure on society and the environment. Hence, I once again emphasize that urbanisation has brought harm to the society.

Short escapade with my petals

The last time I saw both Nana and Mayra was last year, and since then, it's getting more and more difficult to arrange our schedule to meet. After a few voice notes, disagreements, and shouting at one another, we finally agreed on spending three days and two nights in the heart of KL (di bulan Ramadhan pulak tu dimana kau tak boleh nak food hunt pun and too tired to do anything hanya mampu berhuhu pandang each other). The initial plan for our Petals trip this year was to visit Jose in Shanghai but since Mayra will be flying to UK this September (yaaaay so happy for her), we had to cancel it and met here instead. Alas, our last minute decision was what brought us here, which I believe was the best piece of idea that we could mutually agree on this year. Finally *sigh.

We had a blast of time and this had been the most relaxing + stress free weekend ever since I've started working last February.

There weren't many photos taken as we spent most of our time in the room, leeching on one another like a set of Siamese triplets hahaha. Felt so good to be surrounded by familiar faces whom are brutally honest with you and where you can just be yourself ;) 

On our last day, we watched the final episode of Game of Thrones together and it was so chaotic that we broke a glass haha. 

Let's do this at least twice a year, okay!

Declining proposals because that's what I do now

Nana and Mayra are currently in KL for their job interview while I'm home, turning into Hulk (because green, geddit?) about their trip 😞.

As they were discussing the possibilities for them to land the job, they sent a video proposal to me, asking me to become their housewife... (which means, once again, I get the chance to control their lives *screamsYESYESYESontopofmylungs) Urgh! Love it when people appreciate you for being a Monica.

Seems like they could not get enough of me for the past four years 💅 and awwww gurls, I'm flattered.

I could totally see the prospect of us living together again. (Gosh, it's so much easier tolerating the people that you already knew, isn't it?) Besides,  I loveeee managing their lives 😂 it can be quite fun sometimes. Although not that I'm going to admit it to them.

Hence, before I could reply "Yes" to them, I did what a proper lady would do: I outlined the benefits that I shall reap from that triangle-love thingy, so that whenever I'm taken for granted, I still have what I need as I pack to leave (gittew).

Hmph. How rude, wanting to pay me with kasih sayang only 😒
No thanks!

#yourloss

P/s: If 'kasih sayang' is a legit currency, it could have been a yes. Just sayin...

Last week, our uni eventually announced the date for our graduation and it suddenly became a wake up call for me. For the past few months, I have indulged myself in the leisure of staying at home, fully committed to the Holy month of Ramadhan (for one whole month!), spent one week of holiday with my family and a few weeks of back to back series which had been piling for the past few months in my 'to-watch' folder. Not to mention, my endless journey to the mall; virtually and physically, to spend every last penny I have in my bank account.

And now, I'm officially broke with no job and is about to attend my convocation.

What a life. 

Nonetheless, seeing the inevitable reminder (about our convocation) from my fellow classmates, I was suddenly made aware that my teenage years of freedom and insouciance will soon be behind me, as reality continuously tosses me with a heap of adult responsibilities *wailing OH NOOOO 96 harakat*

As I struggled to hunt for part time jobs, a close friend of mine, Kubis calmed the sudden storm that was raging inside me. For a few days, I kept on bugging her with my first-world problem, which to me, was like an ailment; not for long, will impoverish me.

In return, I received a very long reply from her. Most of the parts were telling me not to be daunted by people's expectation and I should carry on doing the things that I have longed to do for the past few years. "You always said you do not have enough time to do this and that, try this and that. Well, this is the time that God has given to you. Go and do them! Soon, you'll be working and Goodness knows if you will ever have as much free time," she said.

And as simple as that, her words made me went, "Why didn't I think of that?" because for a short period before that, I was worried of what would happen to me for the next few months, and most importantly, what would people think of a jobless version of Anis. I was worried sick of those insignificant perceptions.

Yes. She was right. I have only a few months left to do the things that I have always wanted to try. And for the next few months, I hope I'll be able to carry them on.

As for the things that I've been worrying about, they will gradually take place, sooner or later. Why should I rush them...

Oh well,

Anis being classic Anis. So overly INTJ on things, always wanting to have plans and backup plans and worrying about what's next. 

Another dosage of 2D (2018)

After soo many events and clashes at the school, I could finally enter 2D today. I think, it has been three weeks since I last entered their class that they thought I didn't want to teach them anymore. Was I mad, they asked Cikgu Pika, who relied that message to me. Hahaha. Little rascals. Scared lah tu.

Today, after 1E, I walked into the class. Some of them were loitering around balcony, some were minding their own businesses and some were running here and there, shouting some inaudible words towards their friends.
I continued to gait into the class and put my things on the table, proceeding to set my projector and laptop on. As if I'm invisible, they ignored me. They were still running here and there despite my presence in the class, and I was too tired to say anything as I just finished teaching in 1E and before that, 1B.

One boy asked, in a broken English, "Teacher, why you angry teacher?"
"I just finished a few classes and I'm still tired," I replied.
I gestured my hands towards the class monitor and he commanded for the class to stand up. They stood up, one voice above another, I could barely hear my own voice as I greeted them. The buzzing noise was still there.
"If you do not stop talking, don't expect to sit down!" and in return, they turned a deaf ear to my warning. I glared at some of them but as expected, I was completely ignored. Okay. Fine.

I adjusted the projector, cleared the teacher's table and did some other little things to take my own sweet time. A few minutes passed by, I resorted to writing on the board,

'Talk if you want to stand longer.' 

Not even 5 minutes passed by and they stopped talking for a few seconds. "Okay. Sit down."

I proceeded with the set induction and things were pretty much under control... although if compared to other classes, you can easily say that it is NOT under control but yeah, things were still fine than most of the times and I'll take what I can.

At least, it was not as bad as my last class with them. With 2D, I’ll take any form of victory that I can. A win is a win.

"It won't come out!"

Nana had been whimpering about her gained-weight these days and I couldn't tell how many times I'd reminded her about the law of attraction, that eventually I just decided to give up trying. Every time the I'm-so-fat-why and followed by long whine came out, I would just nod along with 'yeah yeah I can see that' hahaha.

You see, that woman is nowhere near the definition of overweight! She did outgrow all most of her clothes but WHO DOESN'T ? PEOPLE GROW UP. 

So last week, my aunty finally gave birth to her second son and I took the chance to pay her a visit in Butterworth, leaving Nana all alone in the house. Mayra was also unavailable. Not long after, a few texts chimed in and it sounded very intense with Nana urging

"I'm stuck helpppp"

As I was with my family, I decided to ignore the notification, thinking, 'If it's an emergency, she will call me,' and continued to put the phone on silent.
On my way back home, I checked my WhatsApp while waiting for the traffic and Goodness, I was in regret for not checking it earlier.

It was hilarious!

Even after we got back home, she was still upset because according to her, the whole incident was a sign;- a wake up call for her to lose weight.

"Biasa I basuh botol tak stuck pun! My hand must have gotten bigger," followed by another whine which sounded like a chocked lamb.

Again, we just nodded along. Okay, Nana. Okay. You're getting fatter.

So I made it to the final year!

Seems like only a few months ago when I created this blog after my SPM and now I'm in the final year of my degree. Was a curious kid back then; what kind of roommate will I get, what will I study and so on and so forth.
Five years later, here I am... with so many turns and changes in my life. It's a wonder on how very short period of time can change people so much.

Anyway, we (my classmates and I) thought that this semester would be the most free of all, with less subjects taken this year (we even took extra subjects for fun) but unfortunately, we're three weeks in and yet I feel like I can use some help from the oxygen tank! I was seriously restless, even my sister and my housemate said, "Why are you guys always busy, running here and there?" because we rarely saw each other. Only last week, I went to see a lecturer to drop one of the subjects because our schedule was super packed. On Mondays, we had classes from 8am-10pm. AM to PM. Had to run during the break for prayers and didn't have the time to eat ! And that's only for Monday. Kept coming home during Maghrib hours and night was left for assignment time. Plus, most of our lecturers won't be available for a few weeks next month and I guess those extra classes and extra readings took the soul out of us.

Nonetheless, I woke up every day with excitement to go to those classes. Yes, tiring it might be but the fun of gaining new information overpowered the fatigue. Semantics had been VERY logical but the lecturer made it easy and God how she loves The Big Bang Theory (finally someone who can understand why I love TBBT so much) and keeps using the linguistic examples from the series; I just love it and understood better hahaha. Urgh I aspire to be that kind of lecturer (although if I'm being honest, I obviously won't be teaching semantics. I mean... bro). 

Learned more about phonology too but quite scared with the upcoming tests and quizzes. With phonology, you might think you answered correctly but be prepared to cry haha. Always needed to second guess your instinct lol. If I happen to develop trust issues within me, I'm going to come at you, Phonology.

And my most favourite of all, Malaysian Literature. We studied literature across the globe for the past few years and only learn the literature of our own country in fourth year haha odd, I know. I thought the class was going to be boring with so many historical facts and figures involved but boy, was I wrong. Big time.
The lecturer revealed the truths behind the historical events which were not in the textbooks but researches proved otherwise and I felt bad for my lack of conscience. Should have done more readings on my own country before weighing the rights and the wrongs.
Plus, my tutor is Japanese. He's nice and his explanations on the literature in Malaysia were sooo on point. And he's a feminist too, even more than I am, I think. Haha. We were discussing a short story last week and he asked us to point out the gender discrimination issues from it. I noticed a few but it was not like it's a big deal. It was normal in the society. However, after he pointed out a few words used and the language described, I swear my ears were burning with anger (towards the character) haha. So yeah, can't wait to listen to his analysis in other oeuvres. He's now my third favourite lecturer hehe. Of course no one can beat Dr Rita and Dr Agnes. They're the bomb dot com. Ah I miss their classes. 
P/s: Would they notice it if in the future, after graduating, I join their classes for fun, just to listen to their lectures? 

Getting drowned

I gave myself another one week break before I can go all crazy on my sem break plan and with that in mind, I spent most of my days with Eidulfitr activities, movies and also, reading.

It's only fair to say that I haven't read for a very long time, I forgot how to. Deciding which book to read was already hard enough and feeling guilty towards other books was another thing. Not to mention that I have one row of untouched books, in which I've been cajoling myself with, "It's okay. You will find the time" and ended up buying more. *swims in the piles of untouched books


Anyway, as I was browsing my blog labels/tags, I noticed that I only have one post under book review . Will it's destiny be as bad as my other blog posts too ? Hahaha.

Now will you excuse me,
I gotta go pick a really good book to read. I have a pride to protect :P

Ivory 2015-2018

Has it been two years since we first stepped into our house in Ivory? Time surely flies.

Since we will be moving out next year, we texted our landlord, reminding him that by the end of April, all four of his tenants will be out of the house.

He's currently working in China and we've only met him once, so he's not the kind of landlord which would visit you very often to check on the house. We did most things by ourselves ; contacted the plumbers, bought a new washing machine and many more housing things. Still, we like it that way :)

After compromising that we don't have to sign any contract for the next Sept-April rent, he added "Send me the photos of the house. I want to start finding new tenants," and so we did.

His reply was

Even asking us to come back. Clingy much. Staahpp

Mind you, the house before we moved in was so bad. Previously, boys stayed there and God knows how many meters of dust they left for us. The furniture was all over the place and there's no curtains to cover the windows. Our poor landlord was not in Malaysia to clean the house and hence, the mess.

In fact, when the agent showed us the house, she was hesitant too. Intentionally, she wanted to take us to two houses and let us decide. She showed us the first one, expecting we would say no. hahahaha. But the rent was only RM1000/month and normally, places with walking distance to university would be more than RM1400. The place was a total bargain.

We just said yes without going to the second house and thank God we didn't :) Our landlord now is very considerate and nice, well most probably because his tenants are ! hahaha. Anyway, I am going to miss our memories in this house. I wonder what kind of house will I live in once I start working. Which state? Will the landlord be as nice? What kind of housemates will I have? Are they clean? (please God let them be. At least, clean. Please) Are they nice? Are they good? All of these questions made me scared of the future sometimes but that's life.

We move on.

Next semester, we will start our practicum at the school and I know it's a weird thing to say but I'm going to miss doing my assignments, making notes, running to classes and seeing my enthusiastic lecturers. Most importantly, I'm going to miss staying up and seeing Nana and Mayra cry as they struggle to finish their work hahaha. Although of course, their smiles and laughter would forever be engraved in my mind that I hope I won't feel the need to miss those snorts and shrill voices :)

The beautiful journey will end soon but I hope the new path that we'll take in less than a month won't be any less beautiful.

For the time being, let's finish the notes!

May celebrations

It's finally May !

'May' can only mean two things :

1. Birthday of the awesome people :P
2. Submission month (plays the siren and sends heart attack to every group members)

Every year, these two could not be more annoying by coming on the same month *sigh.

Nana's birthday was actually last Thursday but we had classes till evening, so we kinda postponed the celebration to last Saturday. For almost a week, both Mayra and I had been looking for something that all of us can enjoy and we came down to the agreement of ... FULL BODY MASSAGE. Muahaha.

The plan in my head was :

Kidnap Nana from the demanding and clingy office (our workspace in the house lol), and had her blindfolded. I was looking forward to her screaming when the masseuse starts touching her.

Too bad she figured it out sooner than we expected. Haha.

Frankly speaking, it was the best massage I've ever had (speaking on the  behalf my masseuse only as Nana and Mayra whined that theirs were not as satisfying). When she started her session, rubbing my arm, she asked me if I like to take showers at nights... which was kinda true. Yeah, yeah. I know it's not alright, was constantly scolded by parents too but late night showers are soooo good, I wish the risks are worth it. The masseuse rambled about 'angin' and etc which only floated above my head. The massage was too relaxing that I just had to ignore small talks hahahaha. 


After a few minutes, she began to massage my shoulders and came the question,

"Nggak cukup tidur ya?"

"Ya iya dong. Kapan bisa tidur nya mbak? Lagi mikiran assignment aja terus dehhh," was what I wish I could reply with but I just responded with another nod of accordance. Of course, you don't want to be rude to the person who has her hands down your neck (or basically have access to my whole body). Really not hoping for the police to discover my dead body in a massage parlour.

Seeing my masseuse's skill in checking the nerves, Nana was hit by a pang of jealousy and so she asked hers, head pinned to the table, mouth mumbling, "Urat saya ada masalah tak?"
In return, she received a reply of, " Lah. Mana saya tau. Saya bukan doktor." Hahaha. Sis, why so bitter?

Anyway, we had a great 'work pause' and what's better was that all 3 of us could enjoy it!


Another week passed by and yesterday came with an annoying reminder from those two buffoons that it's my birthday. Could not be more discrete by stealing my phone and hacking my insta account -_-  Sometimes I wonder how do I have enough patience in tolerating these children.

The initial birthday celebration plan was, Nana and Mayra wanted to take me to the Hin Bus Depot as there would be some art fair there and gosh, it sounded so wonderful and so did the posters, they looked awesome. It said there that anyone can participate and they will provide the tools. How cool is that!

Unfortunately, after meeting Dr Rita a couple of days ago, we had no choice but to go out again and find more respondents for our research. So yeah, we spent one whole day roaming around Penang approaching Malays to help us. On my birthday. Lol.

Since we couldn't make it to the art fair, Nana and Mayra treated me with Chilli's lamb chop (lamb yaaaassss yaaaaaasssss yummmsssss) and we eventually called it a day.

Overall, the girls did so great and I couldn't be more thankful :). 

Our Educational Research presentation is tomorrow.

I'm so scared. Have we done enough ? What if we missed something or we overlooked certain aspects ?


The WHAT IF is sooo scary. Oh Lord halppp. Never been this scared for an assignment. I mean, this research is easier than the other one;- linguistic research.

If I am this scared , what will happen next week for that study ?

*hyperventilates




*hyperventilates more



Ya Allah please don't let this semester be futile


Updated : Alhamdulillah everything went well. Both Doctors were okay with it. I was so nervous in the hall as Ngoi presented before us hahaha (mannn he is one scary guy. His team is like the over achiever group of our batch lol). But we just presented and seemed like people paid attention and at the end of it, as I was waiting for questions and tembakan peluru from the panels, they said "No question. It is thoroughly planned and we like it." THANK GOD. Was definitely not expecting that. After countless sleepless nights, to hear those words coming out from Dr's mouth, I swear it's the most beautiful words I've ever heard. This viva had been going on for many days and seeing how they questioned other groups were scary, I kid you not. 

And to hear them saying they liked ours *cries a bucket. 

The feeling before and after the presentation was soooooo different. Ya Allah. Ease the linguistic research. We're still struggling with our data, hopefully everything is well. Amiin. Yang linguistic ni, tak harapkan dapat miracle pun in our findings. Nak settle and as long as we have enough proofs to support previous researches je :'(

Another update: On the next day, Dr announced that our group won the 1st runner up and Ngoi's won the 1st place. However, we weren't there because we didn't attend the lecture because we had to finish our linguistic research. I felt terrible. Dr wanted to show her appreciation by rewarding us with some cash and we played truant. I hope she knew we didn't have much choice, our group is so behind for linguistic :(

Curry Tree

If you have learned from my Insta stories, you will know that in Penang, I have a few pet plants. Vera Wang, Aloe Vader, a few lemon-grasses, a baby chili plant and ... a melodramatic baby curry tree. Or a very melodramatic curry tree.

The curry tree was given by Mayra's mom and because of her generosity (and because I really wanted to befriend her), I tried my very best to keep the plant alive. I put it in the living room balcony, so that it could get a direct sunlight. However, it was very ungrateful and kicked my consideration out of the window. 

The plant decided to die. Like, literally die. Kering kontang, daun ditiup angin berlalu, begitu rapuh dan ampuh sekali. That was how her first death was recorded; all of the leaves were gone.

“What else do you want? I watered you, I put you under sunlight, at least let me harvest you first.” *throws it from the balcony. Kidding. It's illegal to throw things from the balcony haha. 

With my heart broken like a shattered glass, I took it to the front door, hoping it would revive if I water it every day (only watered it once every 2 days before) and there would be more sunlight there too.
Maybe after hearing my constant whine on what a drama queen it had been, it came back to life after a few days.

It came back to life (I don’t know how but yes it did 🙃). The resilience.

But it only lasted as long as Mayra's determination to quit hoarding. It didn't last long. It died again afterwards. -___-

To make it even worse, as I was recording an Insta story, announcing about it's second death, the last branch of hanging leaves suddenly flew all over the place, like a slap to my face.

HEY, what point are you trying to prove here ? By embarrassing me in front of my online friends like that... HOW DARE.

So yeah. That’s the end of the story. Eventually, I gave up. People said third time is the charm... but the plant already  died twice. What kind of people grow plant only to make it die countlessly? Definitely not me.

Also, I'm so sorry, Mayra's mom. I tried my best. So.... 👉🏻👈🏻 I hope we're still bff? No?

Nana and her Instagram feeds

Since Allia no longer live with us and Nana is very into a themed Instagram posts these days, the duty of taking photos inevitably fell into my hands. 

Nana's determination is as high as the famous Burj Khalifa in ensuring that her photos are insta-worthy and come with the package of hilarious captions. As effortless as the photos might have looked like, the 'behind the scenes' beg to differ. That woman could go from changing 3-5 attires (if we're home) to finding 3-5 possible spots (if we're outside) just for her OOTD photos. I tell you, it's nothing close to effortless.

IF AND ONLY SHE'S AS DETERMINED IN THE LECTURES. 

Just saying. 

Nevertheless, I don't think that I'm at par with her demand for good photos but of course, she had no other choice but to accept the fate that has befallen on her, as long as she looks thin and tall in the photos. 

For instance, this photo down here is not even centred but yeah, who cares. The lady looks smoking hot like the mother of dragons in it. That matters. 

Without doubt, after taking her photos, she would attempt me with the question "You want me to take your photo?" in order to return my small favour. Well, I couldn't be more grateful that she masters her etiquette very well. Your parents must be proud of you. 

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Of course. Thank you, Anis Farhana. I look very slim too, thanks to the angle. 
Just, ikhlas ke tak ambik ni?

Bountiful Hikmahful Path

I was browsing my draft from my old blog post earlier this morning in my desperate attempt to retrieve my photos. Gosh. So many memories, so many stupid things. Haha.

I remember when I first started this blog (after a few other blogs were forgotten), it was after my PLKN and I was so bored at home. A few weeks later, I received my SPM result (which post I've hidden)

Rereading on how I had a severe fever during the big exam and having my parents to come and pick me up from the hostel, I remember how I used to lie on the bed for two days straight, was not able to wake up, couldn't even call my parents. My roommates surely felt bad for me but they were in the battlefield themselves, yet I feel glad that they were the ones who called my parents. Since our last few papers were during school holiday, there was no warden at that time and their last resort was to call my parents.

I remember Mak telling me, "It's okay, you have tried," because I was so frustrated I couldn't make her proud. Crying was the only thing I did. All I could think of was, "after all of the effort I put in studying and going to tuitions, I flushed them all during the D-day."

But Mak was the best, she just told me to pray and to always remember that

no matter how hard I tried, it is for Allah to decide. 

Forgive me Allah, for the times I thought that my plan is better than Yours. 



Seeing the old posts, Mak was right. There are sooo many things that I have learned from the unfortunate event, or should I call,,, a very hikmahful event. I didn't get the chance to further the study in my favourite field like most of my friends because of the glitch but I learned a lot more important lessons at my own pace here in Malaysia. Sure, initially I felt envious of my friends who managed to pursue our drams; flying overseas, visiting one another from continent to continent.. and so on but I have come to accept that the path is not meant for me. My path here is as colourful and fulfilling as well. 

Mind you, I didn't even know how to do a lot of things before. But I discovered a lot of new fun things which I made into hobbies. 

Unlike my sister, I didn't think I spent a lot of time with my parents before because I was in boarding school but I have more chances to see them now :) and I couldn't be more blessed.

The people that Allah had encountered me with, taught me a lot about facing life. All of the small and big things around me, somehow made me feel glad that Allah has specifically chosen this beautiful path for me.
One insignificant thing in my life had led me to more major things.
And I couldn't be more glad.

Looking forward to unlocking more delightful obscurities :)

"I want to do something that defines me."

"Mayra, you should do Multimedia for your master's study."

"But Nana, I don't want to !"

"But you're so good at it."

"But I don't want to."

"Whatever . I'm just suggesting."

Those two continued to lay out their arguments and reasonings and I just kept on driving, heading home after our late dinner. Future plan. Sounds easy but can be life changing. I'm also not sure of what I really want to do. 

"Lucky you, Mayra. At least, you're good at something and here I am, still don't know what I'm capable of," Nana let out a long held sigh and gazed out of the window. The sky was pitch black despite the humid weather. The sight of the stars was barely visible from down here and the moon shone with a pallid slice of light, most of it covered by the clouds.

She slouched back in her seat as she continued, "I wish I don't have to do something I don't like ... but the thing is, I don't know what I like !" So, that's what had been tormenting her mind since dinner. 

The car decelerated as the traffic lights in front of us turned red and we queued behind other cars. I slowly shifted the gear stick to Neutral and replied, "There are a lot of things you can do,,,"

"Yeah, Nana. You write sooo well. I will buy your book if you write one !" Mayra chimed in from the back seats. That was undeniably true. Nana can write, she has passion for it. Her language is eloquent, her choice of words is unquestionable and her perspective is always refreshing although sometimes can trigger the minds of the norm; still, I find her notions to my liking. 

I listed down the jobs which demand for good writers/authors and she just shook her head, rejecting the idea of being a writer. Doesn't define herself enough, she said. 

I can understand that. We always want to do something that suits our personality and traits. Of course, we can always follow the route that people pointed us to but by the end of the day, happiness comes from being satisfied of what we really are, of what defines us. 

"Look at Vivy. She studied law, struggled and all but in the end, she ventured into fashion and she LOVES what she's doing. Dina, for example, she's a dropout but then, she began designing her own lines and jewellery. And now, she's acknowledged as one of the muslim fashion icons in UK. I mean, those people knew what they wanted." 

My lips curled into a smile. I have not known this girl for a year or two. I have lived with her the longest, after my family. She always worries about silly things, about uncertainty, of the oblivion and obscurity. "How about something related to directing ?" and my suggestion was replied with a frown. "I have seen you as a director. Twice. I have worked with you and I know how great you can be. And passion ? You have the drive. Once you set your mind on how you want the play to be, you will set it right. You will make sure it come out as what you have in your head."  She let out another sigh , followed by a sluggish "I don't knoooow..." and Mayra butt in again with , "Yeah Nana. I can help you with anything I can !" 

I continued, "You know what makes those people successful ? It's the people behind them, who has been supporting them through their ups and downs. Vivy has Fadza. They build the empire together. And Dina has Sid, supporting her from the very beginning with the shootings and all."

"So sekarang you nak I cari jantan lah ?"  she replied, forcibly laughing in her cracked voice. Nana's about to cry. I could sense she was. 

"Not what I was trying to say but boleh lah. Haha. Noo. What I was saying is, just know that you have us. We will support you. I will help you with all my might and Mayra will help you with all her might. You have your own version of Fadza and Sid. Just know that. You can rely on us."  

The cars in front of began to move and I hit the pedal again, making a turn to our destination. The discussion lasted for another good hour as the night went by and the rest is history, shared with the night and the invisible stars.
One day, we might forget this tete-a-tete we had  but one thing for sure,
I will remember,
we once had a dream.
A dream to become someone that brings out the definition of who we really are.
A dream, undecided but big enough, that we need one another to rely on...

I rarely keep our silly conversation in my blog but this one, I really have to. Blog has been my time capsule for years. If I turn 30 and reread this, still looking for the meaning of life, I wish I am happy with what I'm doing :) Hi future Anis, I hope you're doing just fine. And if you're not, know that this life is not ultimate. What matters the most is the afterlife. 

May you have Allah's blessings in what you're pursuing. 

'Jangan sampai terlalu sibuk mengejar dunia sampai lupa tujuan di akhirat .' :) 

New member of the house

I would like to announce that ...

I am now a Mother !
I am now officially nurturing... a pot of baby aloe vera !

So a few days ago, Nana came home with "Anis, LOOK !" , face plastered with ear-to-ear smile as she pointed at a pot of aloe vera on the table.

uncanny

A week before, she had texted me that she's gonna bring the plant because she's going to need the gel for her DIY facial mask. And I was like, "Aaa okay. So? What am I supposed to do with this information?"
"But can you take care of it for me?"
" ....."
"I'll give you some of the gel."
"......" 

So that's the story of how I became a Mom to Vera Wang. Yeah I decided to name it Vera Wang because ye know... Aloe Vera, , ,Vera, Vera Wang.  *blows nails*
I initially wanted to name it Aloe Vader but decided to go with a girl name which is more fitting for our all-girls-household. 

On another note, I am yet to know if I'm capable of taking care some MUTE plant . I mean, cats meow whenever they're hungry, right ? and humans would go "Anis, I lapar," if they're hungry , right ? 

But with plants ?

.
.
.

I ... don't know. What if I forget to water it ?!
Well,
Letushopeitwillnotdiesoon

Anyway, I saw Nana literally screaming at the plant only this evening, "GROW FASTER ! AND LET ME HARVEST YOU ! GROW!" and the inner 'Mom' in me jut went

Everyone knows babies have their own pace at growing ! How. dare. you. push. my. Vera. 

You, missy. Ain't be gettin' any gel from my baby. Uh. Uh. No. Shoo. 

My take on Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

               Creating a new label/tag for this blog : Books Reviews... and this is my first post of it. Being accustomed with books since my early years, I loved to quench my imagination with reading. Hence, I thought how great would it be to share my two cents with others :) Well, to commemorate this new blog tag, I would review one of my favourite books as a little girl and how different I see it now that I've grown up. 

                 As a young girl, my books preference comprised of princesses’ adventures, and of course , my favourite character of all was Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs. Snow White according to my eyes, was a very demure character. As she has lost her mother, it is understandable that she was not exposed to what are the do’s and don’t’s in life. She relies on her instinct most of the times. When she meets the seven dwarfs, she trusts her intuition and says yes to their each and every requests. She also does not mind at all when asked to do the house chores. As a kid, I found it very intriguing as doing house chores was another burden I wished not to carry. Thus, reading Snow White, I saw the joy of doing chores by pretending to be surrounded by the dwarfs ; that is how influential Snow White was to me during the old days.

                 However, when I went through the pages of my once the most favourite fairytale again at the age of 22, I came out with a conclusion that I was indeed a very naive kid. I wouldn't dare to criticise the book as a bad one as Snow White and the Seven Dwarf appears to most people as the milestone to one of many fairytales from decades ago; but it became apparent to me that some of the depictions might be contrasting to my principles these days, mainly in the manifestation of the stereotypical characters' traits in it. 

                   The first thing which occurred to my mind after rereading this book is that, jealousy and beauty are what propel the story. The step mother, known to all as the wicked Queen, was willing to go to the extent of killing an innocent young girl, just so she can claim her status as the most beautiful lady of all. The Queen was extremely fond of her fairness, taking narcissism to another level. Personalities which are related to this disorder are manipulativeness, selfishness and vanity; which are no difference to the Queen ! As she ordered her huntsman to bring back Snow White’s liver as the proof, it verified how manipulative and cunning she could be. Her desperation had driven her to a few other sinister schemes when her first plan failed, proving that beauty and rage is the core idea of this book. It struck me as and adult reader if the hidden message is actually ‘You are beautiful if you are fair’ and there is no bad consequences related to the fairness at the end of this book as the manipulative Queen only fell into the chasm. This corrupting influence is portrayed again in the manifestation of Snow White’s character.

                       When the huntsman freed Snow White because apparently she was “too pretty to be killed” , I learned how the dogma of beauty is slowly being induced into our gullible little minds. Snow White is a very fair girl, with crimson-red ruby lips and pitch-black hair, which gave us an impression that her appearance is the definition of beauty when the truth is, beauty is subjective. I too, as a kid , fell into this trap and held onto this credo, leading me to endless efforts to be as fair as what the denotation holds. I am well aware that girls are more inclined to pretty things and I did enjoy touching up here and there but I see no reason why we should be ruled by it. I also believed that people will be nicer to you if you are pretty but now that I have met various kinds of people, no, beauty is not the only ticket for you to win others’ hearts. There are still more beyond that. Beauty for me now, is when you are able to love every inches of your flaws, flaunt it with pride and still make people fall in love with you for who you are;- not merely based on the looks. To be exposed to this kind of mentality at a tender age is not a good quality you wish to take along as you are about to embark into your youth, so I wish this stigma can be erased from our culture these days. It is because we are far deep into this belief that we have composed a generation of the wicked Queen and Snow White;- people who have greed on beauty and people who think that beauty can save them.

                  As the narration proceeded to where she eventually met the seven dwarfs , the pernicious gender stereotype was pretty apparent and as a kid, I was enlightened by this narrow thought. For the ingenuous me, it's in women’s nature to be as domesticated as possible and mothers the members of the house. When a girl in her age is supposed to be going to schools and get herself educated, Snow White on the other hand was running errands for the dwarfs. Not to mention, she spent most of her time day dreaming and nagging. I realize how contradicting this trait is compared to Belle in The Beauty and The Beast , only after I reread the book. As my 6 years old self indulged upon this unfathomable ideology, it was to no surprise that my younger self was once convinced that girls were supposed to be capable of juggling tasks. The little kid in me seemed to find no drawback in this matter as that was the kind of mentality I clung to from reading such book, providing I only have girl siblings, I did not know how to compare the conventional values of each genders.

                    Growing older, I began to realize that it is a progressive world and both men and women are capable of doing things they wished to. If and only Snow White was a little bit smarter, she might be capable of fighting the evil Queen instead of wandering in the dark enchanted forest, crying for her life. I wonder if her life might as well as ended there, due to her lack of conscience. In fact, the story will come to a very quick ending if it is not due the sympathy offered by the Queen’s huntsman. Therefore, it is crystal clear that women were seen as an impotent entity back in those days where the setting of this story took place. They are depicted as day dreamers, hoping for the mercy of others and expecting the alpha males to save them. The bourgeois has long bestowed us with this perception and it is on us now to change the conventional perspective. In this contemporary era however, a woman is not entitled to only doing house chores and wait for the man to provide for them, for we have the same right for education now. I am sanguine that changes begin with us feeding our children with a more appropriate storylines and visions. It would be good too if parents can read this book to their kids and question them if these issues are still relevant. 

                    Last but not least, just like the rest of the tales, there are significances of sorcery and magic in this book. Regardless of how some people perceive fantasy books as an inferior quality to realism, I am in consummate discord with that dispute. I was ingrained with reading as an escapism from the real world and hence, when I read, I expect myself to envision the world beyond my reach and work on my creativity. Thus, when some books are made into movies, I noticed that every people have different ways in viewing the books and hence, evoked the phrases, “The book is much better than the movie” and “This is not how I imagined it to be.” It is considered hard to project what is in your head as it surpasses the bounds of possibility. Indeed, realism is the salient element in this life, so that we will be more prepared of what to expect next but magic also prompts young readers to see the world in different ways. Furthermore, the beauty of imagination is that it can provide you with sparks of hope and make our life more adventurous yet enchanting. Not only that, the magic part has also taught me a lot in shaping my personality that I am today. As an example, when the Queen spoke to the mirror and the mirror replied her back, I was assured that objects around us were capable of emotions. They have certain ideas of certain things. As a result, I involuntarily learned about empathy; having to put yourself in the other’s shoes and to consider their opinions too because no matter how sure you are, you might not know everything.

                      Thus, it is precise to say that Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs has a lot to offer me as a young reader and the most compelling reason is the creative and appealing melodrama. The Queen taught us that one has to be extra mindful in planning and Snow White made us see how good wins over evil by being gentle. The cliché ending also made us believe that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel and to remain positive in spite of the sufferings we have to endure. Reading Snow White was enjoyable and it still is but with more knowledge now, there are a lot I can question from the oeuvre. Although the flaws and stereotypes could be derived from societies back in the old days, we cannot deny the beauty of friendship in it and how it has engraved another world of escapism within us. This classic piece of tales is undeniably an excellent antidote to a bumpy childhood.

 

Okay I know yesterday I said we can't draw animals and humans right ?

Guess whatttt !

I found that it's still okay to draw the silhouette figures of them! Yaaay. What's not okay is when those creatures are complete;- like on the face, you have eyes, brows, lids, nose, mouth and all. Those are the no-no.
But silhouette is still considered as okay :)

Aaaaaand look at what I did with this first challenge. A galaxy in the hummingbirds  <3