Tuesday, 3 January 2017

Hormones talking #timeofthemonth

Was browsing my second Instagram just now and I feel like I still have A LOT to improvise. Man, still a long way to go. And I miss my brushes so much. Went home during study week last two weeks and I left my watercolour back in Kelantan. Really.need.it.rigt.now.

They're like pills to me. The only things which can avoid me from over thinking :(

I'm not even good at drawing but it's my form of dissociation (well, other than shopping and of course, going out is not a choice these days. With exam and all), so I can't help it.

I just realized that I'm not a strong woman, really. I rely on a lot of things. My laptop, my phone, my watercolour, my brushes, my sewing machine and my oven. *Wish I have punching bags too, just to add into the list haha* . No wonder I feel so complete whenever I'm home. Also, I have my parents. The ultimate pillar of strength.

Anyway, last night, we're talking about how old we have become. Nana and I, we would always discuss on what we see in the next few years and what to achieve every single new year . We have lived together for almost three years now and I can still remember the way she cried when we first turned 20. Hahaha. So much to take in. So many turning points ! And the pressure from the society is so real. No joke.

I know I said I wanna do this and that , don't wanna do this and that by this particular age and yet, if people are giving you the 'so, when are you gonna get married?' look or  'so, secured any job yet?' look, how are we going to live our life.

"No need to compare yourself with others."

Exactly what I'm trying to do. But can others walk the talk too ?

"Life is not a race."

Couldn't agree more. Everyone has their own pace. But can others walk the talk too ?

Despite of these questions revolving around us, foreshadowing with an inkling of 'what is correct' , I couldn't be more blessed with what I have today. I know I didn't get what I had planned years ago back in school but hey,

what is perfections anyway but a set of letters strung together to make a word ? 

I'm starting to realize that I should be my own definition of perfect. 
I know what I've been through and only I can judge my achievements.
I have my limitations, yes. I have my flaws, yes. But I have my own assets too. So yeah. I know where to work on, and patching up flaws takes time.
And beeing said that, my value is not validated by the people :) I do appreciate the concern, to be honest but sometimes, they make me scared.
Do I really have to rush in ? Am I doing it wrong ?

Dr. Agnes always tells us , "I am fifty years old and I'm still shaping my identity. It's a lifelong process."

Thank you Dr.
That changed my perspectives.

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